If the Buddha were here to give relationship advice to us today.

Ever wondered what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide you through the dating process? 

If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., since it was published in 1999 it has been loved by those seeking relationship advice.
If the Buddha were to give dating tips, they might be a little confusing to some modern-day folks. So consider this a Top 10 CliffsNotes, each with modern day explanations.

• “When you say goodbye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are but a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.” Translation: Do whatever it takes to leave on good terms.


• “Equality doesn’t need to mean that both people earn the same amount of money, have equal status, or equally good looking. It means they value each other as equals when it comes to making plans, making love or making decisions. They have an equal voice. One should not have to sacrifice himself, or herself, to the other.” Translation: Equality is not based on materialistic things or statistics. Equality is based on shared values, shared communication, and shared self-respect. 


• “In an unequal relationship, because the subordinate mate gives in reluctantly and complies, the dominant ones are never challenged to reflect on themselves. There is little or no growth, flexibility, or no forming of the “us” bond that brings two people into spiritual union.” Translation: In equal relationships, both people are challenged to grow and evolve together, rather than one person always pushing for the other partner’s growth.


• “Things are always changing—our thoughts, cells, hormones, hairline, consciousness, relationship, and the landscape around us. Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hanging onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go.” Translation: The only constant is change. Every present moment is a chance to embrace the newness and let go of the past. Nothing is permanent. 


• “To be loyal to our journey is to know the rhythm, tone, and pulse of our essential inner world- the song that is ours alone. When two people bring the richness of their inner music to each other, they bring the possibility of a new composition, of counterpoint, harmony, voices weaving together creating a magical composition. If we’re disconnected from the music of our essence and attempt to find happiness through another’s song, there will be a dependency and relationship without harmony.” Translation: We must know and accept who we are fully before we enter a relationship, or else we end up in a co-dependent relationship. When two whole people join in a supportive relationship, the results can be magical. 


• “If we have the belief ‘I’ll always be abandoned’ we create situations where we’ll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories are true.” Translation: Thoughts become things, and we become our thoughts. Choose to write your own fate for better results. 


• “We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath, and say take me, and leap into the fire.” Translation: Taking a risk is often worth it, especially in love.


• “There are so many dating books with numerous rules about the right thing to do and say when dating. On the spiritual path, the ‘rules’ are simple. Simply ask yourself, am I being guided by my rigid ego” Translation: Ego-driven actions love rules. The spirit of love needs no rules to guide us.


• “Ego says I want someone to fill me up. Non-ego says I’ll have someone to help me wake up, to challenge my blind spots and be a companion and playmate on the journey. Translation: If we believe and live as already-full beings (complete), we don’t look to others to fulfill us. 


• “Another aspect of loving kindness is to remember that it’s not being free of imperfections that’s crucial to relationships, it’s being honest about our faults and mistakes. When we accept our humanness we become able to apologize (not grovel) for having been rude, insensitive, or dishonest. Our apology to another is a form of compassion to ourselves because it signifies acceptance. This is at the heart of intimacy.” Translation: By honestly accepting our faults and mistakes and apologizing with sincerity, we practice compassion towards ourselves and others.

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37 Weeks Of A Bodhisattva's Practice

English: Amitabha Buddha with his attendants Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva, and Mahasthamaprapta Bodhisattva. Hangzhou, Zhejiang province, China. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Thirty-Seven Practices of A Bodhisattva

Week 1

First Practice

1. The practice of all the Bodhisattva's is to study, reflect and meditate, Tirelessly, day and night, without ever straying into idleness. In order to free oneself and others from this ocean of samsara.
   Having gained this supreme vessel—of a free, well-favoured human life, so difficult to find.

Whatever lifestyle we might have, 
we need to put full effort towards 
practicing the Dharma day and night 
with good motivation, even before we sleep. When you do sleep do it for the benefit of others.

Wakeup for the benefit of others; go about your day for the benefit of others.

Whatever actions of body, speech and mind that are done, base it on Dharma and the purpose of benefiting others. But to practice something requires one to first acquire the knowledge. 

Which explains the very first words of advice given, the practice of all Bodhisattva's is to study, contemplate and meditate.

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• Mindfulness....What, Why, How Part 1

• So You Want To Get Into Meditating (thefader.com)
• 5 Hindrances To Buddhist Practice (theselfproclaimedsolitarybuddhist.blogspot.com)

How to keep your Monkey Mind from wreaking havoc on your relationship

Monkeys in a plum tree by Mori Sosen (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Are your relationship problems due to your Monkey Mind?

Our Monkey Mind wrecks havoc on our ability to have a satisfying life and relationships. 

How to keep a Monkey-Mind from wreaking havoc on your relationship.

First thing first, know what you’re up against. Here are some common ways Monkey-Mind will distract you from the present moment:

Future Tripping

Being preoccupied with the future:

• To-do list items
• Plans
• Uncertainty and apprehension about some future things like how a project or conversation will go.
• Rehearsing conversations in your head that you may or may not ever have.

Advice: Notice that you’re future tripping, name it, and get it out of your head and either on to some paper or into your digital planner. If you need to make dinner reservations for your out-of-town guests, schedule some time to do it, set a reminder, or stop scrolling through twitter and do it now. The idea here is your monkey mind is working to remember to make the reservation, your mind is going through a lot of effort to bring it to the foreground so you don’t forget about it completely. Let your handy device do the remembering for you so you can take a deep breath, get present, and give your partner a nice smooch.  

Worrying About the Past

To live our best lives, we must stay in the present… and that means chasing Monkey Mind away. Here’s a guide to addressing this invisible troublemaker.

• Obsessing about the past
• Replaying convos in your head
• Worrying that you didn’t show up as your best self
• Wishing you had spoken up.
• Beating yourself up for how you handled things.

Advice: This is guilt, shame, and regret territory. And it’s a huge waste of your precious presence if you’re stuck in the past worrying about a bunch of stuff that already happened—you’re missing out on so much that’s happening NOW. You’re going to need to stop the self-criticism and abuse and learn to drop the story about how you handled things, if you can learn anything from the past event, certainly take stock and apply your life nugget. But that doesn’t mean keep beating yourself up about it over and over. Take note and move on, clearing the internal clutter so there’s more space for presence in your life. Get out of the past, get back in your body, and feel your breath come in and out for a few minutes.

If you think about it your mind is a lot like a crazy monkey, it’s always running off, following this thought or that thought. You have no idea how you strayed from the path or when but you definitely did and now you’re caught in a thicket of thoughts, stressing out over this future event or that deadline. And just like that! You’re off on a whole mental detour, away from the present.

Monkey Mind (we all have one by the way) wreaks havoc on your ability to have a satisfying life—when you get carried off in a stream of thoughts, and you end up thinking about life as opposed to actually living it and enjoying it as it happens. And that’s a real problem for your relationships because you lose connection to not just your own physical and emotional experience but also to everything that’s going on between you and your partner.

Imagine: you’re together with your partner hanging out, having fun, or running errands and you get caught up in mentally composing that work email to your team; it means you’re missing out on your lady’s beautiful smile or that witty joke she cracked while you were only half-listening. It means you didn’t even notice that she lovingly put her hand on your knee while driving and kept it there the whole way home or that she always plants a kiss on your cheek when you hold the door open for her.

Opportunities for authenticity and intimacy show up all the time, but you’ll miss them if you succumb to your monkey-mind tendencies. Listen, when you consistently fail to seize those opportunities for connection, you’ll both end up feeling the distance and disconnection in your relationship, which I know isn’t what you ultimately want at all.

When presence is lacking, both parties can end up feeling alone, dissatisfied, confused, and blame themselves or each other for the disconnect. No fun.

Here’s how to stop your Monkey Mind

Stop Avoiding Difficult Emotions:

• Anger
• Frustration
• Resentment
• Disappointment
• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Feeling left out
• Confusion
• Overwhelm
• Stress
• Grief

Advice: Let’s face it, none of these emotions are easy to be with and how to handle our emotional upsets is something we simply aren’t taught in our culture. So we avoid them and try to either stuff them down or blame them on somebody or something. Both avoidance and blame require a lot of mental gymnastics to manage, which of course takes you right out of the here-and-now. So the trick is to learn how to feel and skillfully be with whatever’s happening for you. Emotions are what add the richness to our lives. Emotions, even the difficult ones, can serve as a compass to guide us. Sharing your emotional world with your partner is the doorway to a deeper connection and more intimacy. This means avoiding them and pretending you aren’t feeling the way you’re feeling is actually counterproductive. But it’s important to become adequate at understanding and supporting our emotional selves first. You have to feel it to heal it, and Meditation is a great tool for recognizing and understanding these difficult emotions.

Audio: Discussion on Mindfulness one of the Seven Factors of Enlightenment

Here Are 5 Steps to Mindfully Be with Difficult Emotions:

• Name the emotion and feel it in your body. For example: ‘Anxiety is present and my belly feels tight.’
• Notice the storyline about the emotion, this often includes blaming how you feel on circumstances or other people; ‘I wouldn’t have been in such a foul mood if I wasn’t late and I wouldn’t have been late if it wasn’t raining’. Drop the storyline and drop the blame.
• Don’t stuff it down and try to avoid how you’re feeling, own it, and feel it. ‘You have to feel it to heal it’, as the adage goes.
• Have compassion for the part of you that’s upset, no criticizing, or self-judgment here. Practice being a good friend to the part of you that’s feeling bad. You can use the breath to slowly breathe into the area you feel the emotion.
• Practice sharing what’s happening for you with your partner without needing/wanting them to change or fix anything.

Tip: Taming the Monkey-Mind is a lifelong process and one of the best ways to start this worthwhile undertaking is to take up a regular meditation practice, keep it short to start, three to five minutes maximum. 

Related Articles:

If Buddha Were Here To Give Relationship Advice

Everyone You Meet Could Be Your Teacher

Everyone you meet could be your teacher or "Guru". Everyone has their place in this world whether we like them or not. We all belong here and now. Buddhism is all about becoming aware and waking up. Become aware of what life is teaching you.

Awaken to Your Life

I'll go over some "real" life examples for you;    

• Your boss who treats you terribly everyday at work, he is part of your Sangha.... He is teaching you Tolerance.
• The elderly store clerk, you know the one who takes an hour to ring up one customer.... That clerk is a teacher of Patience.  
• Every town has them no matter how hard many people try to pretend they are not there, the beggars that harass everyone passing by for a dime....You guessed it, hello my "Guru" thank you for the lessons in Humility, and Generosity.
•  Ladies I hope you forgive me for this one, but the husband who leaves the toilet seat up. Well please understand he is accidently teaching Tolerance. I know some of you ladies are thinking why can't men just become more AWARE right. LOL.
• Your server in your local restaurant who never gets your order right......Acceptance.
• The neighborhood old lady who has nothing, never complains, is always cheerful, and wanting to feed you. She has two lessons for you.....Selflessness and Gratitude.

This is your life, the world is your "Sangha", and everyone is your teacher. You only have to be aware. I hate to disappoint but there is no great, hidden answer to life's troubles. Instead learn to see the things you have already available to you, Before thinking about all the things you want. Remove the blindfold from your eyes to reveal this life and all the wonderful things it has to offer. Be Alive, Be Aware. 

Your World is Waiting For You