If the Buddha were here to give relationship advice to us today.

Ever wondered what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide you through the dating process? 

If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., since it was published in 1999 it has been loved by those seeking relationship advice.
If the Buddha were to give dating tips, they might be a little confusing to some modern-day folks. So consider this a Top 10 CliffsNotes, each with modern day explanations.

• “When you say goodbye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are but a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.” Translation: Do whatever it takes to leave on good terms.


• “Equality doesn’t need to mean that both people earn the same amount of money, have equal status, or equally good looking. It means they value each other as equals when it comes to making plans, making love or making decisions. They have an equal voice. One should not have to sacrifice himself, or herself, to the other.” Translation: Equality is not based on materialistic things or statistics. Equality is based on shared values, shared communication, and shared self-respect. 


• “In an unequal relationship, because the subordinate mate gives in reluctantly and complies, the dominant ones are never challenged to reflect on themselves. There is little or no growth, flexibility, or no forming of the “us” bond that brings two people into spiritual union.” Translation: In equal relationships, both people are challenged to grow and evolve together, rather than one person always pushing for the other partner’s growth.


• “Things are always changing—our thoughts, cells, hormones, hairline, consciousness, relationship, and the landscape around us. Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hanging onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go.” Translation: The only constant is change. Every present moment is a chance to embrace the newness and let go of the past. Nothing is permanent. 


• “To be loyal to our journey is to know the rhythm, tone, and pulse of our essential inner world- the song that is ours alone. When two people bring the richness of their inner music to each other, they bring the possibility of a new composition, of counterpoint, harmony, voices weaving together creating a magical composition. If we’re disconnected from the music of our essence and attempt to find happiness through another’s song, there will be a dependency and relationship without harmony.” Translation: We must know and accept who we are fully before we enter a relationship, or else we end up in a co-dependent relationship. When two whole people join in a supportive relationship, the results can be magical. 


• “If we have the belief ‘I’ll always be abandoned’ we create situations where we’ll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories are true.” Translation: Thoughts become things, and we become our thoughts. Choose to write your own fate for better results. 


• “We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath, and say take me, and leap into the fire.” Translation: Taking a risk is often worth it, especially in love.


• “There are so many dating books with numerous rules about the right thing to do and say when dating. On the spiritual path, the ‘rules’ are simple. Simply ask yourself, am I being guided by my rigid ego” Translation: Ego-driven actions love rules. The spirit of love needs no rules to guide us.


• “Ego says I want someone to fill me up. Non-ego says I’ll have someone to help me wake up, to challenge my blind spots and be a companion and playmate on the journey. Translation: If we believe and live as already-full beings (complete), we don’t look to others to fulfill us. 


• “Another aspect of loving kindness is to remember that it’s not being free of imperfections that’s crucial to relationships, it’s being honest about our faults and mistakes. When we accept our humanness we become able to apologize (not grovel) for having been rude, insensitive, or dishonest. Our apology to another is a form of compassion to ourselves because it signifies acceptance. This is at the heart of intimacy.” Translation: By honestly accepting our faults and mistakes and apologizing with sincerity, we practice compassion towards ourselves and others.

Log in

to use Ginger

Limited mode

Iframe>

×

Log in

to use Ginger

Limited mode

to some modern day folks

×

Having the Right Approach to Buddhism

The Right Approach to Buddhism

When we pursue studies of Buddhism and Dharma, it is important to develop a correct motivation and also to aim at the correct goal. It is not exactly like when we study other things.

Dharma

Since we study Dharma, the motivation must follow correspondingly. This is because Dharma is not just studied in order to know more, or to get more knowledge. Dharma is studied to obtain a concrete gain; and not just any gain, but a far-reaching gain from which we can profit from for all time.

How can we achieve such a far-reaching gain? 

We achieve this goal by understanding what the actual roots of our happiness and suffering are and by transforming them. On one hand, if we do not understand the actual causes for happiness and suffering, and on the other hand, if we understand them, but do not bring about the necessary transformation, then it will not be possible to achieve that far-reaching and lasting gain, despite whatever other means we may employ.

To pursue other kinds of studies does not have this effect. When we follow other studies, we learn all sorts of things. But the knowledge that we acquire does not have such a direct relation to the actual causes of happiness and suffering; it cannot bring any lasting gain. It is possible that through such knowledge we may gain something temporary, but to obtain an everlasting result is very difficult.

What are the actual causes for happiness and suffering? 

Suffering and Unhappiness

These are explained in the Dharma, and how we can directly deal with them and change them is the essence of Dharma. This is also the reason why the study of Dharma produces a tangible and lasting result.

Sometimes we think that our ordinary activities produce real, concrete results, while Dharma-activities are something rather abstract and have no concrete results. But the truth is that somebody who really understands Dharma and applies it correctly into practice does achieve the best tangible result for oneself.

However, if one considers Dharma activities as something that has little to do with real Dharma, or if one approaches Dharma wrongly, then there are risks and dangers that one's efforts will be in vain. In this case, instead of bringing concrete, beneficial results, one will end up wasting much time and energy for nothing.

When we get involved with real Dharma in an unmistaken way, there is nothing that could produce greater results for oneself and for the sake of others.

We think that an activity makes sense if it improves our experience of happiness and prevents our suffering, and that something is worthless or no good if it worsens our situation. There is no other meaningful criteria to distinguish what is meaningful from what is meaningless, to distinguish what is useful from what is useless.

The experience of happiness and suffering is dependent upon the causes of happiness and suffering. That which directly connects us to the causes of happiness and suffering is Dharma. And by practicing Dharma, these causes of happiness and suffering can be directly influenced. Therefore, there is nothing more useful and effective than getting involved in Dharma.

Causes of Happiness and Suffering

The root philosophy of Buddhism, the teachings that Buddha gave, is the statement that the actual causes for happiness and suffering lie in one's own mind, and that the outer objects may serve as conditions, but are not the actual cause for happiness and suffering. Other people, for example, are not the actual cause, nor are any other objects; gods or ghosts. There are, rather, causes in one's own continuum that are responsible for all our suffering and happiness. This is a central point of Buddha's teachings.

By understanding that the causes of happiness and suffering are to be found in our own mind, we make efforts to change these in order to accomplish the real benefit for ourselves and others. The teachings of Buddha have many aspects, but some are fundamental, and to understand them correctly is very important.

As already said before, the ultimate goal and central core point of the Buddha Dharma are the beings, and nothing else. Some people may think that the actual central point of Buddhism is Buddha or Nirvana, the freedom from cyclic existence, or the calmness of the mind. But this is not correct. All of these are surely very worthwhile achievements, but the central point of the Dharma is benefitting the sentient beings.